What can i do?

I think that you seem to very smart and you yze life and events in your life. Try to remove yourself from all negatively. If this situation is causing you so much stress than it is not meant to be in your life. You are above this and seem to be soul searching for something more out of life. Now it is up to you to give yourself was you desire, which is a more fulfilling life. You are questioning things in your life, but really you seem to already know the course of action. Best of luck! I am with you!